Foul Friday

[CuRRent MooD:] Moody, bored

[CuRRent Song:] Groove Coverage - I Need You (Project One Remix)

[Last FooD/BeveRage:] Iced Lemon Tea

"If Dreams are meant to be shattered, let Them shatter early so I can get on with the future."

How much do you agree with this statement?

As an authentic Piscean, I never wish or want any dream of mine to be shattered. Reality is never kind as we all know, and this time is no exception. I think the world is too realistic to my liking I'm starting to break down, to fall out of place. I'm trying to keep my head up high, but motivation itself ain't high, and motivation ain't the only thing now I can keep myself going.

I've been so low on assurance for the past months, and I'm really getting tired of everything.

So, is it better to find someone you love, or to find someone that loves you? I know a lot of people I've asked nowadays chose the latter as they are already low on confidence level to be always the giving party. Do you know I'm still trying to convince myself that finding someone I love is of utmost importance? It's very simple for the fact when you love someone you can give all you can, you will devote yourself to it and you will have no regrets even if things does not end up well in the end...however...there are just so many events for the past year that seemingly WANT me to change that perspective.

I DO NOT want to give up on that perspective. Bring it on. Come on, convince me the other way round, kill me, hurt me or torment me I do not care...this is going to be one perspective I'm so damn stubborn about. It's no point hanging around with someone who loves you so much and yourself hopefully thinking you will change perspective and like the other party in return...yes, I know such things happen in life but it takes a long time, and often the other party will be quite hurt in the process you may not know when you would have killed his/her enthusiasm towards the end. It may just end up reversing the process - you liking him/her but he/she decides to give up on you.

Vicious Cycle.

There is just something I need to change my life about. Not the perspective, but the way I uphold it. I think I'm just blindly upholding it without a care in the world...but I must remember it's more than just me that I have to account for...I still have to account for my parents who've supported me all the way and seen me grow to an adult. It's more than just myself now.

I know it's not the end. I know it's a test of faith. The Truth can only be as real as the Truth. There are some things I really need to set it straight. I can't be like this anymore.

"Iceflame", a contact from SG, did tell me "you can never finish earning money". I know, but I've not reached the point I can save comfortably so these words can never apply to me for now. Why am I so lazy about the fact of earning money outside my standard working hours? I really should start working for my future.

I know I always say this but never do anything about it...that is because I lack that very motivation. Motivation comes from within but I can't do that now cos of what I am. Seriously speaking, no one else can give me enough motivation for now, not even my parents. My parents give me the motivation to live on and survive, but I need another kind of motivation to go BEYOND that......

Am I giving myself excuses about a lack of motivation? Or am I just plain lazy?

I've told my close friends and family I will never follow "his" footsteps. True to say I'm earning money every month...but if I do not strive for a better life, I will never have a better life.

Who can give me that motivation? What can give me that motivation? My mum once told me a rather saddening thing - "If my death can make him work harder and strive for himself, then I don't mind dying." You know, I do not want that to happen even though she never referred the "him" as me, I do not want that to happen either.

My parents are just such wonderful and selfless people.

Suddenly I just felt like crying, but I know I can't. This month has been a high and low month, and finances had been terribly low. I shrimp and save hard, even skipping lunch and eating instant noodles. I anticipate my weekend to be at home playing SG, not because of leveling but because I don't wanna spend any money outside. My Ezlink is at a low, I don't even have a dollar with me right now. I need to prepare at least $30 for sunday's outing with my friend, and that certainly won't come from my own pockets. Next week ain't going to be good either.

I just can't afford the insurance plan for now. I think I must tell my agent about it, regardless of how much protest she might hand to me. I know it's not difficult to get $150 if I wanted to, I could just ask *her*. People who know me certainly knows that I'm someone who has pride as a guy and normally won't stoop to borrowing money from a female...but in some cases there will be a tradeoff, and there is a tradeoff. I gonna just try asking, and returning *her* at end of the month...and furthermore I must try to treat *her* better in the future, since I've already owed *her* so much. Only my closest people should know who I'm talking about. I know she will scream at me, but I believe she will help me. If I asked. If I begged. Hard enough.

I really wonder why I'm doing this...just to keep my dream. I wanna see if my dream can become a reality...a good reality.

I've done a lot in my life to keep my dreams alive. A pity, my dreams just get shattered one by one. Leave a dream for me to realise, won't You?

.LuKe.

P/S: What a low. Ouch.