Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Long time eh?

[CuRRent MooD:] Fine

[CuRRent Song:] None - Aircon silent remix

[Last FooD/BeveRage:] KFC

By the time I blog this, it's about the end of CNY already...but nevertheless, happy CNY to all...hahaha

This year's CNY relative visits are not much different, just that I get to see a cousin I've not seen for 2 years (and yeah, knew how to decor herself to look pretty liao - 女大十八变) and my niece (cousin's daughter) already budding into a pretty young cutie! But then she rather shy...unlike my other cousin's daughter who is very adventurous!

My frens as visitors however, is a little disappointing in numbers but the company counts - so I have the following this year:

Brad (Cellie's bf)
Benjamin (the chrysantamum-giver)
'Monica' (dunno her real english name)

Isabelle asked me an out-of-the-blue question which I didn't manage to reply immediately (cos her cab came) but I did give an answer eventually:

Q: How did you (me) feel when you saw Celena and her bf the first time?
A: Like that lor. The time lapse between the time when Celena and I not seen each other (which was around VDay 2007) and the time I saw Celena and Brad personally is really too wide to have any immediate feeling. So I think I'm really ok.

Which is pretty true for a try, I'm not lying in that aspect. The real hit was when I got to know about them being together, which was pretty fortunate I did not see them physically during that period of time.

The thing that I'm not able to accept is not that fact they are together; it's about the fact she said she wanted to concentrate on her career and not think about BGR, but ended up being with him. As a matter of fact, I was rather pissed and furious at that time it made me wonder if we ever did have feelings in the first place.

I don't know how many people would assume in the same manner as me, thinking that the reason she gave was simply an excuse to get me off the hook. Of course, till now I'm not convinced about the reason, neither am I convinced on the counterpart - which is to say, I'm still on the fence.

I never do think people will lie to me, and I don't think she did. The only reason I gave myself was "Love is something you cannot expect". This manner of reasoning still did not give a proper explanation to why they were together, which is why till now I've not fully got over the entire issue, and maybe I've mentioned somewhere in time, this may form an unfinished business sort of matter.

I would rather be told "Sorry, I think I'm not ready for us to be together" rather than given that reason which ended up in a heap of counter-reasoning.

It's interesting I only decide to mention this in this blog about a year after everything had happened. I got reminded the entire event on VDay because I thought I was able to spend VDay somehow with her but ended up not the way I wanted.

Of course, the second time is simply just a procedure - not an actual event. Nevertheless it didn't commence anyway.

On Sunday when she asked if Brad could come, I simply laughed at myself. Maybe everyone thought I'm so darn magnanimous...well maybe in a way but not others. In the end I still said yes...there's no reason to reject her, isn't it?

For some people, maybe I'm already so courageous and "facing the truth" when I said it's ok for him to come over - after all, everyone has a reason to be happy, and everyone deserves to be happy isn't it?

Throughout so many days in time, rarely have I had true happiness these days. I hope I can get it in time. Then to think, with so much things going on, I wonder how am I to get things going.

I can only wish and hope, haha.

Anyway...all of what I said are only reflections of myself. I think Cellie reads my blog time to time, perhaps it's time for her to know what I really think of the events that happened last year. I really don't think I'm any worse than any of the worst guys she bumped into, but of course many things can't be compared this way.

It's just Chemistry.