[CuRRent MooD:] Tired (as usual), thinking, bothered
[CuRRent Song:] Dave Rodgers - Stay the Night
Actually I don't think I have a lot to say, come to think. Jus wanna come back here to blog a lil, probably planning 3.0 for my blog. I might think 3.0 will need a lot of thinking to get it to look nice, since I might not be using any background pic as backdrop this time. That leaves pple wondering what I'll do with the background - well, I'll jus leave it plain then, since it's jus the best way for how I gonna do it. It's jus the colours I suppose.
Back to the same old me, I had myself thinking yet again as I was tokin to Sunshine last night. Before that I was talking to Eleen, and she was pretty upset and quite shaken by events, and really getting coherent and I was very worried abt her. Jus hope she's really onli ranting and not wanting to do those things as she mentioned...but if she really wanna do it, there's nothing much that I can say apart the fact I felt sorry for her parents who worked so hard to provide her with a life she does not have to worry too much abt expenses.
Anyway, my thoughts went back to the same old reciprocal theory - any returns? I find myself helping out, listening to her, trying to cheer her up by popping by near her place to give her something (and got myself a surprise as in the end I was not able to pass to her)...but what am I to have in the end? I might just turn out to be a passing phase of her life.
"After this relationship, I'm not going to have another stead for 2 years. I have enough of guys. I will not go and contact guys already, I'll just let them do it. I'm tired of it, I hate guys who hurt me deeply."
I don't really care abt what she said on the first part, but upon listening I was like "What? If you gonna say it this way, I'm going to be just a passing phase of your life." - why I said it dis way is cos of how I handle matters - I take a frontseat by settling it at one go, den take a backseat to see if the other party is willing to continue the friendship by maintaining contact wif me...if what she claims is going to commence, then I can only say I'm in for a wasted effort.
A friendship is enough, but I'm not getting it. Absurd? Yeah. Are people taking me for granted? I do help people, I try my best to help - the condition being reciprocal. I jus need a basic return of friendship and appreciation. Convince me I'll be getting it this time.
In this life I had quite a lot of disappointment from this issue as I'm not getting what I duly deserve. I admit I might not be the best guy ard to handle situations, but I certainly believe I tried a lot to help pple out from the abyss that they dig for themselves. Come to think, it has been ongoing in my life.
Accessing memory module... ... ...
In Nanhua times (sec sch), I had Shuyan. I helped her a lot, I helped copied notes in class (which I do not do much at all) and brought it up her house, helped her wif her schoolwork and chemistry stuff and had lots of pple wondering my motive behind it. I admit in sec 3 I liked her - but after clarification I jus wanted to treat her jus like someone close, something like a sister. I tried so hard, I made sure things go fine in her life and what?
I had her disappointing me at my low times. I will NOT forget it. Books Alive '97 changed it. Alice and her co. really had me toasted, and till now I am still bitter abt it - they caused me directly to lose her as a good friend...however they are only part of the episode. They are the direct catalyst, but the chemicals generated are - as per not guessed, Shuyan herself. If she placed enough trust in me, things would not have gone to such a degree things never went the same. Her so-called good friends only added oil to the fire, never objective to the matter, seeing only a side of the story and completely on Shuyan's side of being biased against me on the matter.
"I don't need friends. Friends are meant to be betrayed." - I'll remember this, Shuyan.
I too, helped Kai-En a lot in his stuff, making sure people will not find it easy to touch him, improving the armour that he created for himself against unknown and known aggression. I made sure his reputation stays up high, making sure things from his sec1 days won't get to him. Post-sec sch, I tried maintaining the high profile and contacts, offering an insight to his matters in his ACJC and AJC days.
And? He betrayed me.
I have Mic, Lyd, MH, Ting, Pat. Where are they now? Mic, yea. To be fair, she still tries to maintain contact with me. I appreciate it to a certain extend...and that's really only to be fair to her since she does make small talk wif me and not always looking for me jus becos she needs help. Lyd? Disappeared. MH? Don't talk abt it - last week's incident got me terribly pissed off. Ting? Her poly life got her super busy she simply disappeared, and hard to get a hold of. Pat? Too busy wif her worklife, even getting a reply from her thru my sms would be a miracle.
What am I left with? I traced my current contacts these days, and left a few.
Sunshine - thx...
Eleen - (I just typed her name and she called, chatting wif me for 1:00:46) ehm...
Carnage - occasional
DW - eh...when bored?
Ben - in SCDF. Dun wanna see him too much
Kaiwei - working way too hard, but still c her ard now n den
Bunch of neighbours (Yuling, Yuting, Huijing, Mad, Vanessa, Siew Fong) - rather possibly since they are my neighbours
It's useless expanding my circle - I'll end up with more contacts, but still the same old thing.
Just now I mentioned abt pple taking me for granted when I was chatting wif Eleen - I wonder if she caught what I meant? Haha...
Oh well tink I'm off soon. Having some kinda interview later. Thx Eleen for making my morning a non-boring one. =)
.LuKe.
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