[CuRRent MooD:] Neutral, thinking...
[CuRRent Song:] None
[Last FooD/BeveRage:] Milo
Wah...sian ah...this week gonna be yet another troublesome one. Security patches to run, things to solve, den colleague leaving...sigh, add on the fact I'm still clearing up my life, I wonder how are things really going to turn out for me.
I really think I'm quite a sucky person to be out with. Throughout my life I've been trying to be a better person, only turning out worse than what I thought of to be. I guess the best parts of my life has to be time before I'm 18, where major decisions and occurences happened. I guess if I made a different choice, my whole life would have been changed. Still again, even if I made a different choice THAT time, I would've made a similar choice later after that...because I am what I am, and something which I can't change radically.
Sometimes I tink I know what I want in life, and sometimes I think I don't. Seems contradicting eh? Life at 25 and not achieving much, it's really time for me to review my life isn't it? My eldest bro @ 25 was already married, moved out and had life decisions to make for himself. Disregarding my 2nd bro, I guess I'm really an underachiever in this aspect, not able to match up to my eldest bro.
I know my parents do not have too high expectations in me, but somehow I have an expectation of myself to provide whatever I can for them. I know they are always there for me, always ready to help me when I need it, and advise me when necessary (though I find it a nag at times, but that's normal isn't it?). I wanted a gf and wife that can take care of them, that they find comfortable. They do not have high expectations, they are simple people. You'll know it when you talk to them.
Talking abt gf, I guess I really have to rethink about myself and Sunshine. Once again we bumped onto the same issue yesterday, about myself not treating her well and stuff. No, it's not her fault...it's just about me, my expectations and stuff. Sometimes I think I do not understand myself well, sometimes I do...but I know I understood myself way too much I could not have the courage to face it. A brimming pot of evil, maybe.
I know I'm losing myself, but I will have to force myself to pick up again for my parents.
What do I want from my life, people around me and from a prospective gf/wife/partner? I think I know, but just that either I don't work for it or I do not have the courage to face it. Then again, how many would?
How many knows that changes being made will benefit or destroy their very existence? Only by trying it out would you know. It takes courage to change and accept changes.
New journey? Yes/no/maybe?
.LuKe.
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