Post #501, Last day of 2010.

[CuRRent MooD:] Hard to find a word for it

[CuRRent Song:] No song

[Last FooD/BeveRage:] Pearl Milk Tea (damn sweet)

Well I guess I don't update my blog a lot nowadays, maybe it's laziness or maybe some other matters. I cannot mention anything about work since I'm jobless. Yeah, you heard it right - jobless.

Maybe it came as my own doing, having matters that went out of hand that caused me to lose focus, and now concentrating on reality might deem a little too late. I've been able to survive for the first month but for how long? I do really hope a satisfactory job will come soon.

As a year draws to a close, everyone talks about celebration, about resolutions and I am no exception. This year does bring quite a bit of ups and downs, and testing times. So much marriage questions, so little time, so little money, and of course the jobless part does make me wanna break down at times. I'm still around cos I have my family, my dear, my friends and of cos the Divine One up there somewhere who allows me to be surviving for a reason. Truth be told, no one knows when I'll just suddenly break down without knowing why and how, no one knows whether I'll just disappear from the face of the earth without a care of the world. No one knows, I do not know either.

Sometimes I wish I am not what I am. I wish things are better, I wish things are more normal, I wish for many things in life that I knew that it has to be worked out rather than just being spoken. Having a soft personality can be really testing, so testing till it works out to the very existence in this world. My so-called trying to be understanding personality astounds me at times, and sometimes I do not know whether there is a right or wrong, or whether there is a need to know right or wrong. I do my best to put perspective on others, trying so hard to look at better side of things, but when I don't see it when it comes, I question myself to whether I have done it right.

I realize I tend to be hardly unreasonable, I wonder who agrees with me on that. Anytime anything unreasonable comes out, it will be tamed quickly by the slightest of reasoning. By then, who know or what knows whether what is right or reasonable at all.

2010 was a year of trials, and ended with trials. I know years ahead will tend to be in that direction. Let's just hope I'll be a "better man" after all these years ahead of me.

Happy New Year, everyone.

.LuKe.